June 3, 2009

Love is a battlefield

finally the words click.
this love relationship business is no joke.

I've been in a relationship with the same guy for the past 6 years... and lately all we've been doing is fighting and making up... fighting and making up.... it seems like an endless cycle... and I started to wonder... maybe this is what divorce is like... you love each other... but only to the extent where you hate each other... if that makes any sense.... You're together so long that some how even though you're so used to each other and love that sense of familiarity, there is a longing to break free and have things change for the better. Why dont we have all the answers to everything... why cant I peak into the future and see what will happen. Or maybe the future is what is happening now and I dont want to accept it.

I'm a believer in love. I love romance novels. I love romantic movies. I love everything to do with love. I believe in the full expression of love in every which way you can imagine. I am a strong believer in And they lived happily ever after. I am very creative so it's not hard for me to imagine all the possibilities... and when my relationship started so many years ago... what didnt I do... everything and anything... all in the name of love... even people thought I was doing too much... and sometimes I have to wonder what ever happened to that fairy tale... my boyfriend and I broke up recently... and I'm not sure if we'll get back together... I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I think of a relationship as a garden. If you dont water and weed it and prune the flowers and all that good stufff... if you dont work at the garden, then it will wither and eventually die. But if you want the garden to flourish, then you put in the work... even when you dont want to. And somehow I think le boyfriend and myself are either not working on the same garden... or one person is doing more work than the other and is bitter... it just seems like we're not on the same page.

continue reading...

Perhaps these are the signs that I'm supposed to see. But maybe in my mind I'm rationalizing them. Maybe I'm thinking...after so many years... should we just let go? Perhaps we both need to work harder on this battlefield and turn it into a field of joy and happiness. As I inch closer to 30, I find myself not worried about the age thing... I believe that I will get married at the right time... and the right time may be after 30 and with someone else. Talking to a girlfriend of mine recently, she reminded me how in college I always stated that getting married after 30 is the best... because then you're pretty much mature... hopefully you're in a good place in life and in a better mindset than when you're in your twenties... this conversation can never take place with my mother... and Im not adverse to getting married soon either... although the thought makes me apprehensive... (I wonder if this has anything to do with my parents)

I think any relationship can work if both parties are willing to put in the effort. But when one starts being taken for granted and another person says it's not in their character to express love in your language to you and seems to forcibly put in an effort.... perhaps it is time for the parties involved to part ways... and even though it hurts... time will heal those hurt feelings. For me, when you love someone, doing things to make them happy is something that should become natural... instinctual... it should never feel like too heavy a load to carry... a burden.. expressing love should just become a part of you... a part of your day... it should be more than just saying I love you... it should be doing "i love you" and showing "i love you"... it should be listening to your partner and really understanding what they want... how they feel... and what role you play in that... *deep sigh*

My boyfriend and I were together for a month this past holiday season... everyday! I think there was only one day when we didnt see each other and for a while when I walked, my feet did not touch the ground... but ever since then... it seems that we're on this battlefield and let me tell you it is tres exhausting... or is this a side effect of not being in close proximity? Of course there are different dynamics to this story that have not been exposed here... really really good dynamics... but with all this love today fight tomorrow business.... I wonder... is this a spiritual attack on a relationship so perfect... or rather one that should be perfect... or perhaps it's a reality attack... with a blinking red light... warning... danger danger... disaster (read: divorce) ahead! (and God forbid that I will get married, and not be happy... or that I will get married and get divorced... that is not my own portion in Jesus Name! Amen Amen and Amen)

say a prayer for me and bob if you dont mind!

and just to lighten the mood a little bit... here's a
delightful and very creative video that I stumbled upon recently... i dont know why but i've just been going goo goo ga ga over everything weddings... is this a sign? :-)

Fresh Hubby of LA from Digital Princess on Vimeo.

source: brokeassbride


Anonymous said...

Hmmm....this is tres interesting. Don't know what to say online but will definitely call you talk!

Anonymous said...

Hello Ms D. Wonder If you can guess who this it. I just said a word of prayer for you and Bob. Love you both but I love you more and want the best for you. I will call you.

UnderCover07 said...

Sometimes the stress of not being in close proximity takes its toll.

And sometimes, one partner might not be able to express how they feel in a language the other understands.

It's tough, but you are in my prayers; this might just be a stumbling block to overcome. I pray that ur steps are ordered by the Most High.

downtheaisle said...

Hi diamondhawk, you already said it in your post, a relationship is like a garden, the parties involved have a responsibility to working with. Its never a one man show, I just said a prayer for you, "God will open your eyes to see, what you need to do and hear what He needs you to hear"


OPTIMISTIC_alyzzz said...

every one fights , its the ability to really understand the other person that makes a relationship stronger...

u will be surprised that all the fights that u are having are linked to represed feelings that either of u has been storing for a while, u have to spill what is in ur heart and trash it out completely not leaving some residue in u.
if he is urs he will come back and when he does make sure all issues are taken care of, dont manage spill all ur troubles and encourage him to do so also...
lots of love.

justdoyin said...

awwwhhh...sorry about the brk up...I think u need to sit you down and do some talking to God...let Him show u d way n lead u in the path He means for u to follow...it'll turn out fine, I'm sure...cheers

Uzo said...

Wow! didnt know about the breakup. All will be well...regardless of if you guys get back together

Kafo said...

love is emotion and feelings and so when it comes to the ups and downs i tend to go logical

take an assessment test
both of you draw up questions you want to ask the other person and honestly answer them with no hard feelings

it DOES NOT make sense to be fighting all the time and making up all the time there has to be a root cause to it

so both of you smart people
put feelings in a box and approach it logically and find out what exactly causes all the issues
and as u said find out if both of you are giving it a 100% and if not find out why and if that will be the norm

lets stop with this idea that God will magically send you a telegram answer when you both have the tools to find out the answer right in front oof u

i hope this is not too harsh

i'm also in a long distance thingy and it has ups and downs but as of right now we are both in it to win it


disgodkidd said...

i can relate to this. i still have no answers. and love is beginning to look like a fairy tale.

DiAmOnD hawk said...

thank you guys for your prayers...
i believe that all is well... so we'll continue to see how things go!

Mimi said...

sorry to hear about you and le boyfriend.

I understand what you mean though. about love being a battlefield. you are so in love with them one minute and the next you wanna tear them apart with your bear hands.

It's always nicer to know God's got one's back so anyway it falls, you are always safe.

THIRTY + said...

I just prayed for you. Also both of you try to sit down and figure what the root cause of the arguments are.

babajidesalu said...

Hi Diamond,

The signs were there for quite a while and either of you refused to address them.

There is nothing wrong in being in love and there is nothing wrong in having quarrels, however for every seed of misunderstanding is a flower to blossom the relationship.

One tip, after 6 years is no indication that you have gotten weary of each other. Don't wait for him to call. Call. Talk. Cry. Then you will know where to go from there.

Ask God Almighty though for he owns your tomorrow.

I wish you the best of luck as well as happiness. God bless you.

Ifeanyi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey D,
It is Ebony. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth re: love and marriage. Bob's way of expressing love may be different from yours, but by no means is it less or a lower level of love. Acceptance will go a long way in resolving the conflict in that area. For example, if your expectation of the expression of love is a back rub and he expresses love by taking out the trash, it is love, never-the-less. I am trying to keep my epistle to a minimum, so I will end with this, after almost 15years of marriage to the man I love, the reality is that love has its ups and downs, good days and bad days, especially when kids are added to the mix, but divorce has never been an option. I know you are too smart to be involved with an abuser, so I don't feel a need to sound that note of caution. Once you both figure out the part about your different love languages, you're good to go....DOWN THE AISLE :-0

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Sweetnees, no relationship is perfect, and everything requires work, real hard work, but as I will always say, think about the wonderful things that made this relationship last this 6 good years, and the things about him you loved the most. there may be things that he doesn't do, but there are things he does really good too.

So prayerfully consider everyhting. You know how dear you are to me, and I hate to see you hurt like this, but I think it's time to pray, not to say any thing more but just pray. And may the peace of God continue to be with you in Jesus Name. Amen.

DiAmOnD hawk said...

true dat, mimi... how are you chica?

thanks 30+... we'll see if we can actually have any meaningful conversations without the other party getting defensive...

Mr.Salu.. thank you for those words.. you're right... 6 years is quite a long time... now we have to determine if it's been long enough... or just the start to many more... God help me... us....

Ebony, I've missed u!!! How are you... and the family? I pray that all is well with u.
We both took the love language test... but it doesnt help if you know it and have to be reminded to speak it... I'm guessing part of love is just accepting the other person for who they are...
and you know I love your epistles... so never feel the need to shorten them o... :-)

my dear Life... i knew it was you earlier on... lol :-)

Vera Ezimora said...


I'm short of words. I don't even know what to say. I don't know if I should call. Sometimes when I write about difficult situations, I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna write.

I just said a prayer 4 u. I prayed for the will of God to manifest. I prayed for you and Bob to not do anything that is outside the will of God.

I hope you're okay, D.

StandTall-The Activist said...

This comment is for the above post, I do hope you get your vacation soon and not cigarette