August 13, 2007

Extramarital Friendships

...not affairs... but friendships... which can continue growing and growing and going and going like the freaking Energizer Bunny to goodness knows where....

So after three recommendations... my friend BK, my sister Shay and my boyfriend Bob... I sorta psyched my cousin into giving me money and went out to get the movie I Think I Love My Wife starring Chris Rock (i just couldnt bring myself to use my own money for it)... and I was getting a bit peeved watching it... I missed the humor somewhere... I mean how can a guy be so stupid stupid stupid... okay... there was some humor there...I think I chuckled a couple of times but I was really mad at the characters Nikki and Richard....

But the movie got me thinking... about friendships. I know a couple of people who have best friends of the opposite sex... What becomes of that relationship when you get married. Is it appropriate to carry on as is?

I dont think so! And I dont think it has anything to do with insecurities either. Once I get married, I expect to become my husband's bestfriend and vice versa... I mean I would think we're sorta on that level before we become married anyways. He can have a "same sex" best friend... but one of the opposite sex? not allowed...

Okay... maybe there are some insecurities involved. I think there are underlying feelings with people that are best friends... especially of the opposite sex. Maybe Im wrong. I feel like it takes just one event.. maybe even one drink too many to shift the friendship into something else... and when you're married.. that is just hazardous. I mean Im all for being friendly... but naaah men... there must be a limit. Anyone watch the movie Brown Sugar? Yeah... bestfriends became bedfriends!!!

naaahhhh... u know what? I changed my mind again... isnt that the prerogative of a woman? There may be instances where insecurities do come in.. but for the most part.. .may be not... I think it's a matter of what's appropriate. And trust.. being the other woman... is sooooooooooo not fun... I mean imagine if you're accused of being the other woman when there's really no other woman... or worse... what if there is but it's not you... what is your defense... this applies to men as well... after all yall are so close and buddy buddy.. who's to say what's really really go on... or up? shhhhh or down.

With each level in life, you just have to learn to appreciate it. Some people complain about friends not keeping in touch after they get married... after they have kids... when they have a boyfriend... but I think we all need to realize that these are seasons in our lives.. no one season is the same... we've got fall, winter, spring and summer... (well Europeans just imagine that you had all four okay?) each with their pros and cons... so yes it kinda sucks that S* and I are no longer buddies.. but I understand that with a woman in his life... Im probably not the confidante he's looking for... and the few times we've talked... we dont flow like before. It sucks but I understand it and Im grateful for the years of our friendship... if he didnt exist back then, Im not so sure I'd be such a good driver now :-)

The movie ended on a good note... "Richard" stated you dont choose who you love... but you do decide how you love them... and that comes with understanding ways to express it in the different seasons... and staying away from opposite sex best friends type relationships... ya heard!!!!!!!! except one of them is gay or something... then it's totally fine

my favorite quote from the movie: **you can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money**

now I have to go figure out why the Man asked me If Id seen it... yes.. what was he thinking about...

anyways back to work... it's Monday already. I took some time off last week... for bereavement... right about now I wouldnt mind winning the lottery... so I can contribute to providing world peace.. why else?... but first I need to buy a ticket...

and Im bidding on something on ebay for the first time... gosh... I hope I win it... it's Marantha's Praise Band CDs 1 - 3. There's a very rare one done with Ebenezer Obey.. still looking for that one

Have a wonderful rest of your week :-)
p.s. i updated my "words to live by" blog if you're interested

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*The story of S can be found here: part 1:He has a girlfriend, part 2: I havent met her yet, part 3: But I will
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Something To Talk ...

15 comments:

azuka said...

I'm sure you can still keep friends of the opposite sex -- I think it's very, very possible, as long as hanging out with them means your significant other is there with you.

But who knows? There sure are risks but some people know how to handle themselves well -- and trying to restrict your partner is an implication of distrust...

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

LOL, I wish my ex best friend would read this. He thinks I'm nuts for trying to stay well clear of him and his new wife. Our season of friendship is not the same as its used to be, especially when the wife doesn't really know me.

I guess like azuka said, if they both became my best friend then its kinda different, especially when you speak to both of them at the same time, not like it was back in the day.

But I so get what you say, I might not mind my guy keeping his old friends, BUT I GOT TO BE HIS Best friend. lol. Loved ya post. Will go and get me the film to watch.

And the brown sugar film does remind me why peeps should not stay best friends even after the supposed is married. And remeber greys anatomy... the blonde and his mate.. enough said.

AN IBO DUDE'S CORNER said...

yep, i agree with u guys. but some people (who are highly disciplined) seems to have a way round it. for some of us not soo disciplined, best thing to do is to keep away, no matter how painful it might be

30+ said...

Capital NO, you two should be each other's best friend you don't need any other best friend especially of the opposite sex. I will discourage friendship with the opposite sex except where he/she is the family friend.

I am not saying he will not have friends that he hangs out with but when he starts saying Best Friends...one needs to check that.

UndaCovaSista said...

If the person becomes a friend of the couple, then it's a lot easier to handle, i think. I personally have tapered off my friendships with my close male friends once they got married because at one stage or the other, they had all tried it on with me (i.e. tried to deepen the friendship and take things to the next level - dating/courtship, whatever)and so i can be awkward, especially if they've mentioned this to their now wives. I think the very nature of friendship is that the parties involved do things together and spend time together. So when a man starts spending time alone with a female who is not his wife, in the absence of his wife, even if it's completely innocent, there's something wrong with that picture.

Pink-satin said...

new template i see!let me go n read the post o!

Omodudu said...

Beware of this friends...mistake dey happen o..

Uzo said...

Very tricky question but the truth is that friendships will change after marriage. It sucks and it can be hard to deal with but hey....

Bob is in town? Love the new template...

temmy tayo said...

First, I love this template.

Ugo Daniels said...

It's easier said than done. Everybody wants to keep other friends from opposite sex when they're married or in a relationship BUT when it causes a lot of havoc, stress, questions unasnwered, then it's purpose has been defeated and it's time to let go.

NaijaBloke said...

Hmmmm...Ogaju ...but me i have a question o ....

If you've had an opposite sex as a bestfriend for a long ass time and nuthn happened between u guys,is it likely that something(scoin scoin..lol) will happen between you guys after you get married?

Diamond said...

I agree w/Azuka...

@NB... I think it's more of how the partner would feel... i mean after you're married shouldnt your hang out buddy now be ur spouse and not the friend? wouldnt it look somehow?

Mo said...

lol @ you going back and forth with changing your mind. Best friendships get CUT after marriage. That's a no-no.

Anonymous said...

That's a no no, I absolutely agree with diamond

Diva Elegante said...

For the sake of the sanity of one's marriage, a good line of boundary should be drawn between pre-marital friendships and one's marriage especially when its got to do with the opposite sex. It very easy to cross boundaries when there is too much of familiarity. Do not tempt fate!