January 15, 2007

I love him, I love him not

so here I am again. MLK day. I had the dayoff...how exciting for me. The boyfriend and I had a heart to heart yesterday. When I think of the things he said, my heart takes a tumble really. Im like how did I get so lucky. Then I think what is wrong with me? Am I scared of committment? My boyfriend asked me a question...something along the lines of "Im sure I want to be with you and Im a 100% committed...can you say the same?"...I looked around as if I expected someone to answer...you could hear the crickets

what is wrong with me? why didnt I answer?

and then my cousin in nigeria starts to ask me about my boyfriend today. Here's an excerpt

GH: abi bros go vex.....lol
diamondhwk: which bros is that
GH: u knw now abi u don chase d poor guy away u sef u cnt change
diamondhwk: what are you talking about
diamondhwk: are you saying i chase guys away
diamondhwk: ki lon so [what are you saying]
GH:yeah u chase dem away after u get bored
diamondhwk: oh my my my
GH: dats wat happened to osondu mayowa muyiwa chinedu emeka chugo etc need i say more
diamondhwk: i dont know who all these guys are o....abegggggyyyyyyyyy
diamondhwk: lol
diamondhwk: you're sooooooo NOT serious
diamondhwk: is it bcos you've been dating the same chick for a minute
diamondhwk: so you now have mouth ehn
GH: but u knw i am yannin d truth
GH: okay wats d new guys name


I've been analyzing alot about me. Infact on my way to church yesterday I did some self analysis in the car...I started to list who I am as a person...being honest with myself...

Love is a decision right? Then I need to decide to be 100% committed to my relationship...not 98%. It's not fair. And to have a guy like I do...to have him where I do...it's not something to play around with. This feeling is deeper than deep. Im not bored...I just dont want to be emotionally vunerable to anyone. Echoes of someone telling another person that "Diamond doesnt fall in love" still rings in my ear. Is it true? Im more naked with him than Ive been with anyone...He knows so many many many things about me...things that even I dont want to speak out loud about myself...we're so connected...

What am I scared of really? Maybe that I'll end up like my parents? Maybe I dont want to be a fool in love like so many women out there who get cheated on...they lose control easily...give men too much power. I hold my boyfriend's heart...it's what he said to me. He says the best things to me. No doubt I want to be with him forever and ever

He poured his heart out to me yesterday. ..told me some things that he'd been holding back....things he'd noticed and didnt like...such as my nonchalant attitude....So today it's my turn. Im a little scared.

sometimes I feel maybe Im not good enough for him....maybe he should be with someone else...someone who's prettier...who's skinnier...who's not as fiesty...self-esteem issues I guess...

The complexities of matters of the heart...oh my my my

2007 promises to be an interesting year...a great one at that

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

My parents seperated when i was 15.That coupled with early childhood molestation mad me very weary and mistrustful of guys and scared of commitment.
I met the most amazing guy and he was too good to be true...had been a strong practicing christian all his life,from a picture perfect family,bright,driven, caring etc...I consiously or unconsiously tried to sabotage the relationship many times. I also sometimes wondered if I was good enough for him. I felt he didn't need someone with all my issues. Anyway,i married him when I was 29. We've been married 4 years.God doesn't give you what you deserve but He reserves the best for you. That's what a blessing is. It's a gift.

Anonymous said...

ps and you are a blessing too. Marriage is ultimately about meeting each other's needs and complementing each other.I can be weak in areas my husband is strong and vice versa

diamond said...

wow Anon...i wish i knew you in person...you said God will reserve the best for me...wow...who am I to doubt God...to question him...interesting how simple words can put things in perspective...

temmy tayo said...

I totally support anonymous o. God will reserve the best for you. As God's own you deserve the best now.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

You have been in the self preservation mood becasue of yhe experiences youve gone through and you have erected wall,making it difficult for anyone to trully penetrate. I think you know in your heart, that this dude deserves to be allowed through the small crack he's managed to make on your wall.

Trully,no one would blmae you for your self preservation mode, considering the experiences you've gone through. But there are times when its time to let someone in. If the Lord has spoken to you about your boyfriend, isnt it time to let him in 100%?

Have a blessed week darl.

azuka said...

Life is all about risk-taking and trust.

When you're in a relationship, the moment you stop trusting someone, no matter how you hide it, the person unconsciously or consciously knows...

Open up. 100% commitment on both sides isn't bad.

zioner said...

been reading ur blog for a while but have never commented.anywho, i think you have a great gentleman. do you know u are kinda condeming urself and as a new creation you have no right to do that. (my pastor once said 'who are you to condemn urself'. don't worry ur good enuff!!! even i know that...hehehe. pls don't let fear restrain u from saying things to that special someone that u may later regret u never said. your words are louder than ur thots. Just ask God for the grace to do the things u want to do. sorry hun for being kinda blunt, didn't mean to dearie. Godbless

NaijaBloke said...

Diamond I feel u jere ..like I always tell all my friends ..God is not going to come down to tell us who is right or not right for us,but he will always give us the wisdom and understanding to make the right one.

Living life itself is a risk,so we just have to undergo this and pray and believe we r on the right path with God's guidance ..

Aunty I only went to Nashville for an interview o and that was my first time o..LOL ..do u have ppl in Nashville ni?Nice place if I may say

Belle said...

i like how sincere this post is.

i don't blame you for not wanting to let go completely...
being hurt can leave deep scars (hear, hear), and it is imperitive that we (women) guard our hearts so that we can see clearly...

Belle said...

OMG! Anon...you have no idea how much I needed to read that today:
God doesn't give you what you deserve but He reserves the best for you.

God bless!

Nilla said...

I agree with everyone above.
Making the decision to love 100% can be tough, but you don't know what you might miss out by holding back....

Vera Ezimora said...

Diamond, my boyfriend says I'm nonchalant too. I guess I have your issues too. I don't wanna lose control and be one of "those women". Wanna be hopelessly in love ONLY if he is more hopelessly in love with me. It's selfish, I know but......God help me.

Uzo said...

Hmm...Maybe you feel that you dont DESERVE what he is giving to you. And it also seems to me that you expect that things wont work out so why bother...

Have faith. You have faith in God i know, so have faith that your boyfriend is true and believe that and let go. Whatever will happen in the future will happen. But don not deprive yourself of what others spend a lifetime trying to find

Anonymous said...

Hello Diamond, i have been reading your blog for a while and i find it to be a real inspiration. God bless you. I think all the other comments have said it all. I always seem to find myself in the position you are in right now, difficult to go all the way with this one person, anyway I have resolved to wait for God's best and commit when I feel the peace of God about it. Thanks a lot.

Ms. May said...

Sweetie...I feel you on so many levels but the fact of the matter is like someone already said, when you have something that people spend a lifetime trying to find, don't question why it's happening to you or why you deserve it. Grab it with both hands, hold on to it, and cherish it because it has been decided for you. I am a strong believer in always giving a 100%....sometimes it backfires but when (NOT IF) you find that person that gives at least a 100% back, there is nothing like it in the entire world so enjoy your man honey and let him know that you value him like he does you. You asked God for him, didn't you? Has he ever failed you?

Nyemoni said...

Girlfriend, I think you should open up... It won't hurt, serious.. Even if he breaks your heart which I hope he won't, what the ....! Seriously, you'll never know until you give your all if he's the right one for you. And as someone once said, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... Wish you all the best!

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

U already know that i'm on BOB's side anyday, anytime. But i feal u on the points noted. U don't want to give everything just in case som'n happens. I guess this is where faith comes in like someone pointed out. Just let go of urself and let God work you thru it all.

Ariiyike said...

Love like you've never been hurt.