so here I am again. MLK day. I had the dayoff...how exciting for me. The boyfriend and I had a heart to heart yesterday. When I think of the things he said, my heart takes a tumble really. Im like how did I get so lucky. Then I think what is wrong with me? Am I scared of committment? My boyfriend asked me a question...something along the lines of "Im sure I want to be with you and Im a 100% committed...can you say the same?"...I looked around as if I expected someone to answer...you could hear the crickets
what is wrong with me? why didnt I answer?
and then my cousin in nigeria starts to ask me about my boyfriend today. Here's an excerpt
GH: abi bros go vex.....lol
diamondhwk: which bros is that
GH: u knw now abi u don chase d poor guy away u sef u cnt change
diamondhwk: what are you talking about
diamondhwk: are you saying i chase guys away
diamondhwk: ki lon so [what are you saying]
GH:yeah u chase dem away after u get bored
diamondhwk: oh my my my
GH: dats wat happened to osondu mayowa muyiwa chinedu emeka chugo etc need i say more
diamondhwk: i dont know who all these guys are o....abegggggyyyyyyyyy
diamondhwk: you're sooooooo NOT serious
diamondhwk: is it bcos you've been dating the same chick for a minute
diamondhwk: so you now have mouth ehn
GH: but u knw i am yannin d truth
GH: okay wats d new guys name
I've been analyzing alot about me. Infact on my way to church yesterday I did some self analysis in the car...I started to list who I am as a person...being honest with myself...
Love is a decision right? Then I need to decide to be 100% committed to my relationship...not 98%. It's not fair. And to have a guy like I do...to have him where I do...it's not something to play around with. This feeling is deeper than deep. Im not bored...I just dont want to be emotionally vunerable to anyone. Echoes of someone telling another person that "Diamond doesnt fall in love" still rings in my ear. Is it true? Im more naked with him than Ive been with anyone...He knows so many many many things about me...things that even I dont want to speak out loud about myself...we're so connected...
What am I scared of really? Maybe that I'll end up like my parents? Maybe I dont want to be a fool in love like so many women out there who get cheated on...they lose control easily...give men too much power. I hold my boyfriend's heart...it's what he said to me. He says the best things to me. No doubt I want to be with him forever and ever
He poured his heart out to me yesterday. ..told me some things that he'd been holding back....things he'd noticed and didnt like...such as my nonchalant attitude....So today it's my turn. Im a little scared.
sometimes I feel maybe Im not good enough for him....maybe he should be with someone else...someone who's prettier...who's skinnier...who's not as fiesty...self-esteem issues I guess...
The complexities of matters of the heart...oh my my my
2007 promises to be an interesting year...a great one at that