December 26, 2006

sometimes i feel so all alone
consciously i know that God is there
Im in a weird mood
im crying...been crying all day
different things slicing thru my mind
my mom. my dad. my house. my future.
what does Tomorrow hold
mommy said Talk to God
I dont find it easy to do so
I mean it's not like I can hear him as clear as someone talking to me
or can i?
maybe I just havent been paying attention

daddy was with me for a couple of days and I realized that I loved him more than I thought I did. It's so hard sometimes because Ive always thought his love for me was conditional but now I realize he loves me the only way he knows how and he tries His Best. He was labeled the black sheep of the family...even know...the siblings that profess God...still have so much hatred and resentment and greed and they wonder why they dont prosper. I inherited part of my dominant personality from daddy. I call him the Orginal Player. Daddy is GQ personified...at his age...people will still take a second glance...wondering if im his sugar daughter. He still calls me by my nickname....the one he gave him as a kid...

mommy has been through so much. She is so strong...I remember I used to steal from her when I was younger. I regret those days. In my childish eyes I thought she had so much....I wanted to be like the other rich kids in school that would bring money in to buy stuff during lunch and after school. I slept with her for so many years...I love just being curled up next to her...her skin is so soft...baby smooth...oh what a beautiful lady. God let at least one of my children...female children...look exactly like her

Im so scared that my parents are growing old. I dont want to lose either of them. God please hear me....please for my sanity, let them live forever and ever....to see my children's children...Let them grow old with dignity...Help me God to be able to provide them with everything they need to make their life fabulous. God please let my parents live forever. Maybe it seems a little selfish...

Daddy left me briefly...just to go 3hours away and I cried...wrote him so many love notes before he left...he said he's never had so much love from me in one day. Im using every oppurtunity to appreciate the people that mean so much to me...

i wish mommy and daddy were still together...i guess a miracle can still happen...I dont know God...I just want to be better than them...learn from their mistakes...help me not to repeat the cycle

I sat downstairs in the dining room today...I looked around...it was quiet everywhere...Gosh...I own my own home. What was I thinking. God help me handle this without a room mate. Everyone keeps asking if I will get one...surprised that I bought a home...maybe surprised at its size...God put all my enemies/naysayers to shame.

I wonder if I should even have a house warming...I was constantly on alert yesterday with the kids...praying nothing would spill on the carpet...but things happen...Aunty said it was because it was new...said I wouldnt worry about it after a while...she doesnt know me...Im very picky about certain things...and the maintenance of this house is important...better to keep up than catch up. I dont think I'll have a house warming...I dont even think I want to buy any new furniture...I guess people will say Im being cheap but I know what Im doing...just because you have some money doesnt mean you have to spend it all...I guess this is one of those conversations I have to have with you God...I guess I have to totally rely on you for everything

God please help me hear you clearly....that my discernment of you will be on high...that even for the most baseless things or things I consider to be so...I will listen for you....to you

I kinda feel a little better...stopped crying...I guess I'll go to BestBuy and go get Roberta Flack's CD

20 comments:

AJOKE said...

Diamond,dont worry about anything, if God is ur dwelling place and u trust him then u wld hear from him,i pray that all ur prayers are answered in Jesus Name,and that u remember that God wld never leave u or forsake u.I guess things like this happens to us all, but we just need to remember that God has it all in control.Merry Christmas and a Happy and prosperous new year to u.take care and God bless.

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

I'm speechless for the very first time. God who has brought you this far, is more than able to see you through it all. It is well and u need to stop crying, only shed tears of joy. It is well and please, continue to rely on him.

Nilla said...

Touching..
May your wishes come true.

~ Abike ~ said...

Hang in there, everything will fall in place in due time.

Niyi said...

I hope you are feeling better. God is in absolute control. He is executing the steps He has ordained and orchestrated for you.
He knows how you feel.

There is a book that has blessed me so much. It is titled "Trusting God even when life hurts" by Jerry Bridges. It is a great book. You may check it out.

God bless.

Nyemoni said...

Girlfriend remember...
"Everything works for good for those that love God..."
Be at rest for He will surely perfect every imperfection and turn your sorrow into joy!
God bless U!

DiAmOnD hawk said...

Thank you all for stopping by and commenting...I really appreciate it...I feel better today. A special thank you to Abike...I appreciate the link... and Niyi, I will be sure to check out that book

Biodun said...

Everything will work it self out in Jesus name dear, dont stress it.

temmy tayo said...

He has brought you this far and won't abandon you now.Just take care of your self and be strong.

Jaycee said...

Don't even bother about the whole thing. When everything works out for your good, u'll be in awe and shock at how everything will play out at the end. It's sometimes hard to do, but the bible says, "Be anxious for NOTHING." Let nothing make you get worried cos God has got ur back girl!

Keep reflecting on these words and hold on to them and God will come through for whatever you are seeking Him for...:)

Desola said...

I typed a whole 3 paragraph only to lost it!

Dee-Dee darling, why were you crying? You've just bought a new house and should be happy! Don't let the enemy steal you joy my dear.

Come on, wipe your tears away and be jolly. It's the season to be joyous honey.

Now, give us that beautiful smile and slot it a soul uplifting Cd and be merry.

Wishing you a prosperous New Year in advance.

Vera Ezimora said...

Hi Diamond love, Merry Christmas and Happy new year. I would be cautious about my carpet too if I were you. In fact, I would be almost jumping outta my skin tryna keep kids away from messint it up.

I love my father too. Love him soo much it's scary. I always think of my parents gettin older too. I freak when I think of....you-know-what. I don't like thinking of it. In fact, in my mind, i believe it will not happen. They'll be here 4eva.

Wish you all the best, love.

LondonBuki said...

Can you feel it? MY HUG?!?!?! I am sure you can feel it!

All is, and always will be, well! God has done so much for you and he is not done with you yet...

I wish the same for my Mummy, I want her to grow old gracefully and maybe live up to 100 and I'll be okay going with her... weird I know. But I do think like that sometimes...

Take care and Happy New Year in advance :-) :-) :-)

NaijaBloke said...

Pele Diamond I know u r just having one of those days and it shd pass soon.

I can categorically say a lot of bloggers have been blessed and inspired by meeting u on here in 2006.

U take care of u and God bless u with all ur heart desires as we enter 2007 ..

Happy New Year in advance

diamond said...

@Biodun...hope you had a fab bday..maybe if you'd saved me a slice of cake I would have felt better earlier :-)


@Temmy and Jaycee...thank you guys...Jaycee I will definitely keep telling myself that

@Desola...dont mind blogger o...when i remember, before i post a comment, i will copy it first...just in case...

@Vera...thank God for carpet cleaner cuz the baby threw up on the carpt and strawberries ended up on the floor...im glad you feel me...stay away from Bloke sha

@LB...girl i needed...wanted...that hug...

@NB...thank you...you're just a great person you know....I was thinking about you earlier today...wondering how everything is with you

can i just say this...all of you...are the best...the feeling of love that comes when i read your comments...I mean I was telling my one of my coworkers about how great all of you are...so Im giving each of you a HUG...not the flimsy one o...a HUG like the one LB gave me...thank you guys for your words of encouragement...for your kind words/thoughts...God bless you all...gosh you guys...i cant sing enough of your praises...okay...let me stop here

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

I actually came by to tell u that i've started a full blown investigation on u. So u better watch out. I'm not going to share my findings until everything's complete (when i get ur full name and lastname), then i'll email u.

Now, Naijabloke will be feeling kinda cool with himself 'cos u said, "you're just a great person you know....I was thinking about you earlier today...wondering how everything is with you." I'm sure is head is about to explode (lol).

Girl, u wouldn't believe what i did today. I surprised myself big tyme. I'll blog about it, when everything's settled.

DiAmOnD hawk said...

which other name is that..my name is Diamond (First name) and last name Hawkins until such a time when I change it du2 marriage in which case it will be Hawkins-2-B

you're crazy...so you came here to entice abi?....what did you do?....hmmm....dont let me imagination run too wild...

SapphireAster said...

Diamond hun..dont worry it is well..God that has been doing wonders in your life is nto about to let you down. Like others have said your post inspire me and other readers. Keep doing your thing and let God handle things as he always has.Wipe your tears.

I think its ute that you showed your dad so much love. Merry Christmas in arrears.

XOXO/Cherub...what did you do? Omo yiiiii

Naijalove said...

Isaiah 41
Fear not for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will upholid you with my righteous right hand.
2 Tim 1:7- For God has not given me the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind.

Medidate on those words, God Bless.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Diamond D - Happy New year - the feeling you are feeling stems from anxiety - and you are anxious - remeber the word of the Lord for your Life, and also remember fear is a route the enemy uses to take your Faith in God away, but it will not happen. We all have weary days, but the Good days far outweighs the weary days and it is well. The Lord will not allow your fears to hold you down, and He has already delivered you and your family from the depths of the grave. For He already hold your future in yur hands. Sorrow will not know you this 2007 in the Name of Jesus. Joy will be ever present in your heart.