October 2, 2006

but I will...

He moved to a different state
I didn't cry or anything. Barely saw him before he left. I was mad busy with work. Didnt like that he was moving. I mentioned two became 3 right? Well 3 had gone back to 2 because the 3rd person had moved back east. My roll dogs were leaving me. I was going to be alone again. It's interesting as I think back because I have vague recollections of him moving. I didnt think too much about it. Maybe I didnt want to cry again. I cant even remember if he said GoodBye this time.
He moved for school. Before he left, he kept asking me what my post-graduate plans were. Even now he keeps encouraging me to go back to school. I HATE SCHOOL but I understand that it's necessary. During my research to find a school to complete a Master's program, his state came up but I shut that idea down. Would it really have mattered? I didn't want it to seem like I was following him. We've already raised a few eyebrows w/in our circles. Infact we've both been questioned about our status. He's asked me before if I would date him and each time my response had been in the negative. He asked me why and I said it just wouldn't work if we did. People thought we acted like an old married couple and when I think back...we kinda sorta did. I finally told him I loved him...I think I told him either the year we moved or my last year in college. I did it in such a way to undermine the great significance of such an admittance. It took a lot for me to voice it to him but I just had to let him know. It had to come out...I couldnt hold it in any longer. I love him. I really do. How could I not. He's been good to me for the most part.
He bought a house and I remember him telling me that I needed to come down and visit. He described the house...he said "your" room is here and my room is there...I laughed. So I had a room in his house huh...must be nice. I know we had skirted around the issue of being room mates while we lived in the same state but of course that never happened. At the time I was living with my cousins for free and I wasnt about to give that up. I think he would have made a great room mate. He's neat and quiet. We could always hang out and I could probably rush him to get ready in a timely fashion. Wouldnt have to worry about sharing anything. I probably would have done the cooking but I wouldnt have minded.
I think about my love for music. Any friend I have has to have some kind of appreciation for music. There are long phone calls that I have where all I do is play the person on the other end the music Im feeling. I literally could just spend hours doing that. S has a collection that rivals anyone's - guaranteed. He knows everyone...from the artists before we were born to the current ones and he has books of CDs...he groups them by genre. He actually inspired me to start my collection. Remember the movie Brown Sugar...a lot of old hip hop heads were on there...he would lean over and tell me who they were even before their names were shown. Oh yeah that's another thing. He would just come on some random day and say "Let's go the movies, I'll pay". You'll pay?...let me grab my shoes...no problem....lol. He bought me the SoundTrack to Brown Sugar...not sure if it was for my birthday or what..I told him I wanted it... I love that CD. There's this song on there, Time after Time that I absolutely love. If you're ever chanced to meet S, you wont even realize that he's into music like that. I mean he's always bringing me CDs to sample. He brought me Evelyn Champagne. He said no collection is complete without that. Im like okay. Heard it...own it now, but Im not really feeling Evelyn. Last year, I didnt feel like buying Jamie Foxx's CD and Mary Js...he said he had Mary Js so we decided we would swap but when he came, he said "Here, you can keep it". You know as much as he irritates me, there are times when he makes me smile.
Inevitably, he met and started dating some chick he met in school. She wasn't serious. She was playing games. Did she think he was stupid...that he didn't know? He told me everything about her...told me he had to let her go. She wouldnt want to talk to him, then would call him up when she needed a ride or help with something. Or she would tell him to call her and then act like she was sleeping or wouldnt even pick up her phone. I told him she probably wasnt ready for a relationship...but I told him this after he'd let her go. The games we women like to play... anyways He's met someone else and so far so good. They met in school as well. I didnt hear so much about her intially but then he would start to reveal things to me. They've been travelling around the country...going to weddings and stuff. I don't know about anyone but I feel when you start going to weddings as a couple then that is as serious as it gets...the only thing is to wait for you to call out the wedding date.
I asked him when he would marry her...he said after I get married. I laughed at that one. I asked him if she's the one...he said it's too soon to tell. Im wondering: Just how long does it take a guy to figure out if shes da one! He didn't even want to call her his girlfriend initially. I had to confront him about that. Told him he cant be stringing people along. You see I've been a victim of that. Was with this guy for a whole year...thought he was my boyfriend. He was my unofficial Sugar Daddy...nominated himself for that position. First guy I ever flew out of state to be with. I was feeling even more of an adult with myself then. This was the first time I'd flown since 9/11. I was soooooooo scared. Anways, Suga Dad would send me stuff and would sign it "moi". He was (is) French...at the time I thought it was cute. The relationship phased out eventually. We were talking once and he told me about his current girlfriend and how her friends were tripping over the things he had sent. So I casually asked how did they know it came from you. He said "She's my girlfriend and of course I sign my name on whatever I send". OH REALLY? That was a revelation so going forward I need to know...I am your _______? No more going with the flow...let's get out the dictionary if we have to-to get some definitions. Anyways, I told S he needs to define what his relationship is and the next time I called he's like "My girlfriend...". At least he listens.
So this is my story with S. at least part of it. Im remembering everything good about being together...about what we used to do. He loves my cooking. Im always trying a new recipe out. Wanted me to teach him. I can hear him say "Meeennnnn Diamond, this was good...how did you make it." or "Can I have some more" or "Do you mind if I take some home?". Im also remembering how he would dissappoint me...as in he'll tell you he's coming at 6 but comes much later or not at all. It used to make me mad. Im stickler for time...dont grab the concept of CP time. Im for the most part a prompt person. He knew it irked me when he wasnt on time but he was so good natured about it. We were forever apologising to each other about things...him to me more than me to him. He got used to my impatience, learned to deal with me...and I got used to his lateness, resigned myself to dealing with it.
Want to know what spurred this journey...what's causing me to exhale? He called me. He's coming to town. He told me to book tickets for a show that we all could see together. But I'll be the 3rd wheel. I dont know her so I would really only be able to flow with him but then I'd be restricted because she's his woman now. This might be a bit awkward. I no longer will have a place in the front of the car with him...everyone knew that was my spot...I will be delegated to the back seat. Should be interesting. Even though they probably will book a hotel, a part of me wants him to stay with me...even if it's just to sleep...let him stay... with me
I told him a while back that I would love to know who would marry him...who would tolerate him...because in my mind I just couldnt pair him with anyone...not even me. He's that unique I guess...he's sweet too. Dont want anyone to take advantage of him. *Deep Sigh* I love that boy...not in love...or in lust...I just love him...I dont know how else to put it. But he's not the one for me. I am sure...
He has a girlfriend anyway
They've been together for months now
She said she's heard a lot about me...hmmmm
They're coming down this weekend!
and im soooo NOT booking any show for us to see together
they should come to my house. We'll watch Bollywood/Nollywood videos
****
I feel so much better writing this...really...it's been therapeutic. Although there are alot of things that have been left unwritten...it felt good to release some of the stuff. I feel like I had all this in my harddrive that just had to be offloaded
****
now I can breathe in again!

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

so part 4 is coming up, right? :) nice entries my dear....

DiAmOnD hawk said...

um....part 4? I dont think so...I think it was time for me to release it...Didnt intend to write this much...had to cut out some things...for some reason my fingers kept in time with my brain...

LondonBuki said...

I've read all three and I think this is the first comment I am leaving relating to these posts:

I totally feel you. Good Luck this weekend coming oh! Good Luck!

Soul said...

wow.
maybe you'll find that when you meet his girlfriend you'll be at ease if she meets whatever standards you've set in your mind that his girlfriend has to meet.

Like Buki said.. good luck with this weekend. just remember to breath

In my head and around me said...

Why did you let him go in the first place? You obviously either have really strong feelings for this guy ( He inspired a part 4 expose, that's heavy) or you don't want anyone else to have him.

we all meet someone that is PERFECT and we let that person walk out the door. Lord knows I am guilty as hell for that one.

I have a question. If you had a magic wand, what would you make happen?

DiAmOnD hawk said...

??? I didnt let him go. He was and still is a friend

if i had a magic wand...
hmmm...
so many thoughts coursing thru me mind

Miguel said...

lol...so true the games women play... funny thing is some feel they are too smart..you try to love them but they are all about games...oh well i guess in their defence, guys have been playing these games for longer.

Great post!

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

diamond diamond - this story of yours, but I understand.

diamond said...

life... hmmm...
LOL...yes..this story of mine?
you still think that SECRETLY i like him SECRETLY right?
lol
wait...when you posted the ogbono recipe why didnt you include me now?

diamond said...

@Soul...im hoping that is the case...Im hoping she'll be free with me...cuz I really could flow with anyone...I go off the other person you know...

yes girl...I will try to remember to breathe

@LondonBuki...thanx...se training e o n lo dada

@Miguel...I really try not to play games...but you know what...it's innate...as in you find yourself doing it sometimes even if you dont want to...

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

@ diamond - yes SECRETLY!!

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

LOL - you are so funny girl -

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

@ diamond - see how Im just commenting sporadically on this post - sorry - but just remembered the receipe you asked; here it is:

How to make ogbono soup:

1) Bring a half filled pot of water to boil
2) In the boiling water, insert the specified meat (goat, beaf e.t.c, garnished onions, and scotch bonnet pepper
3) Wash the dry fish and stock fish in hot water and add to the boiling water with meat
4) There is no need to add salt at this stage, the stock fish is salty enough for now
5) After approximately 30 mins, add 5 table spoons of red / palm oil
6) Also add some ground pepper if you have any.
7) After 30mins, add maggi cubes (x 2). The water and red oil should have emulsified by now (mixed together)
8) If more salt is required add a little at this stage

9) This is te stage where any type of soup can be made.

If Ogbono then:

10) add the ogbono (and another maggi cube), let it simmer for another twenty mins, then
11) add the leaf - if any.

Make sure you mix it thoroughly as you go along.

This is the way I was thought, I made some soup on friday so this should help.

Good luck.

Vera Ezimora said...

Diamond, I guess he's like a bone in your throat. You can't swallow him and you can't spit him out. You want him to be happy, but you don't think anyone else can make him happy. Yet, you don't think y'll are made for each other. Girl, don't you wish God would tell us bluntly, "Girl, this is the man for you" instead of showing us 'signs'. Most times, you need a sign to tell you that what you're experiencing is a sign. This thing called life.

In my head and around me said...

@ LOAS: I was reading your recipe and saw that I should INSERT the meat. Lol!! Computer speak has really taken over.

Miguel said...

hmmmm TLOASCM...you boil your meat with water? I normally boil my meat without water.

Through these eyes said...

Nice narrative. Every one has a story, of a lost love, a potential love or one that just didn't quite work out. It's glad to know we are all similar in that respect.

diamond said...

@Life...i dont like to use any kind of fish...is that okay?...I think you should freeze and fedex...kinda like i told Miguel w/his Egusi which he still hasnt done :-(

you guys are funny...Insert and Boil w/water...