gosh it's past 3am...I woke up about an hour ago thanks to Tropical Storm Ernesto...it's thundering something fierce...as in I feel like any moment the ground will crack open from the sheer intensity of it...the power went off twice...but only for seconds each time...im going to try to sleep for another hour...but I told yall before I'd post about a conversation I had with my friends...so here it is...
I know a lot of people, but I have very few friends. I remember once I posted that friends are optional...but that's a lie. We all need friends. My friends are part of my extended family. I have two in particular that Im close to....we're ALWAYS on the phone with each other. One of us will start talking to another, then someone will suggest, let's call the 3rd person. We're all in Christ and share similar beliefs although I seem to be a bit more liberal than they are. It's great to have friends you can be comfortable with where you don't have to justify your moral codes and general life ethics.
This weekend was great! I got to talk to Ola and Bk. Bk is married and tells us exactly like it is. She's our reference guide for now. We had an interesting conversation on friday night that spanned close to 3hours. Here's the deal:
Ola just moved to a new state. A mutual guy friend is also moving to the same state as Ola and asked her if he could stay with her while he situated himself...Im guessing no more than a week. She has a 2bedroom/2bath apartment. She said NO that she wouldn't feel comfortable and suggested for him to stay with another friend. He told her not to worry that he wouldn't be comfortable staying with her guy friend because he doesn't know the guy. I thought this was understandable.
What I didn't understand was why she wouldn't let him stay with her. I questioned her decision. She said "Diamond it's just not right" and "I wouldn't feel comfortable". I still didn't understand and and I was thinking "what makes it not right". And why would you feel uncomfortable...is there some underlying feeling that you're denying yourself now that you feel you may act on? So I suggested we call Bk and let's all talk about it. Ola thought Bk might be able to help me understand.
For me, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a guy friend stay over. Which brings me to my friend S....I let him stay over all the time...even hand him a key when he's around so he can go and come as he pleases without bothering me.
Ola asked me, "If you were in Nigeria would you do the same?"I paused to think about it...I was also remembering Miguel's recent post about not forgetting where we come from...I told her, "Probably not" only because the circumstances in Nigeria are different. In Nigeria, I would be under the authority of my parents and their house but in America, I am independent...have my own place...pay my own bills...go and come as I like...
To be real, my boyfriend has a serious problem with it. He doesn't like it at all but I keep telling him "it's just S". Last time S came I didn't want to tell my boyfriend. Im not trying to be secretive but I just didn't want any trouble and no matter what, I don't seem to be able to convince him that there's no romantic intent on S's part. I think it's a case of..."Yeah baby, I trust you...I don't trust him". And he is none too pleased about me giving him a key
My friends believe that I'm adopting American principles when I should be true to my Nigerian roots. But Im saying THE SITUATION AND CIRCUMSTANCES ARE DIFFERENT. Does anyone feel me on this or no?
Bk asked me a question, posing a different scenario: Let's say your boyfriend is in lagos and has a female friend in PortHarcourt who comes to Lagos every other weekend and stays with your man. Wouldnt you have a problem with that if this happened all the time? And then that female friend has a key....
Yes, I think maybe after the first time I would have problem with it because she should have other friends she can stay with and IT'S NIGERIA for goodness sakes...she must have some extended family member she can stay with. I don't think I'd be down with her having a key at all. There's an implied intimacy with that
Back to the convo with Ola re: our mutual guy friend....I still didnt think it was wrong. But both girls said to me..."You never know what's lurking in the mind of the other person". I mean, someone comes to visit you....they're there 5pm, 8pm, 11pm....2am...it just seems WRONG. They said don't place yourself in any situation where indecent things may occur. Dont place yourself in the way of Temptation. What if..... don't place yourself in a situation where "what if..." can occur.
They think my relationship with S is unique but sometimes they're like "Are you sure you guys don't have something going?" This is something we laugh about but Im getting older and wiser hopefully so I do take some things to heart...
I guess I need to stay away from all things that have the appearance of impropriety. So next time S comes to town, Hotel Diamond will no longer be available